A Place Between Sleep and Awake

Last night I experienced something I have been trying to not have to face.  I had to have a real grown up talk with my little girl Ariana.  I love that she has been living in a world that seems like no wrong can happen.  In my mind her life has been one where I see her running throw a meadow of poppies and butterflies without a care in the world.  My kids love Peter Pan, and they reference a stage about a place between sleep and awake.  The moment where we can still remember dreaming.  I have been trying to prolong this stage of between sleep and awake for as long as I could.

Last night she found out that my parents were divorced.  Oh how my heart sank when I saw her little body and eyes respond to the realization that her grandparents were not married.  While I lived with my parents they were already divorced but under the circumstances we thought it would be better to just go along with life, and if she asked us we would tell her.  My parents have handled this situation as best as I could imagine anyone could handle a situation like that.  They have done a wonderful job of co-parenting and making sure that life moved along a smooth as possible.  So smooth that my beautiful little girl didn't notice in those nine months that we lived there that they were divorced.

Last night I was talking with my sisters on skype and they were laughing about how my Dad went on a date this past weekend.  We were making light of it, and teasing my Dad. Ariana walked into the room stared at the computer and told my Dad,  "Abuelito I am going to have to tell Abuelita that you are dating other people.  You can't do that! You are married!"  It broke my heart in half.  And my poor Dad he just didn't know what to say.  

I had to explain that they were no longer married. Her fairytale world came crashing down.  She looked so sad.  She had so many questions. And like really really good ones.  Some were really hard to answer, but David and I did our best.  I was just so grateful in that moment to have the gospel in my life.    Without my faith so many of those questions would seem unanswerable.  I was able to calm her fears and tell her about the wonderful blessings the temple offers, and how our Father in Heaven loves us and that in the end of the day he knows what is best for us. I love her heart.  To me her heart beats because she has so much love, and compassion running through her veins.  She is always looking out for others, and always offering a kind smile. David and I refer to her as our little sociologist.  She is always so concerned with how humans interact, and how she can make the world a better place.  She is always checking out books about other cultures and peoples.  David thinks she was listening to all my professors while she grew in my belly in my last year of college.  

After talking with her I just realized how grateful I am to have a home where there is so much love.  I am grateful for my amazing husband.  I don't know how I deserved such an amazing blessing.  He makes my life and my kids lives so happy.  He is a breath of fresh air.   I know that my daughter is going to have to face the realities of the world slowly has she travels on her life's journey.  But I want to make sure that when she enters through the doors of our home she finds herself in a meadow with butterflies and poppies, and the skies are crystal blue, with cotton candy clouds.  I want my home to always be that place between sleep and awake where she can always remember dreaming.

"You Know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming?  That's where I will always love you! That's where I will be waiting." - Peter Pan

I have made the goal to have my home always be this place for my children.  My home will be the place where they can still remember dreaming.  The place where they know that love never fails.  My home will be the place that they can always remember being loved.  I love you my angel.  And I pray that this little nugget of life does not cause you stop believing in fairy tales. All you have to do is  look around and you will find miracles, and happy endings all around you, if you just look closely. 

Love,

Mommy

Alone Time

I find myself this evening in a quiet home.  Meaning there is no hubby because he's at the gym, the kids are snug in their beds, and the kitchen is all picked up.  I find that this stage in life you begin to really savor when you get a moment to yourself.  So when it happens I just take it in.  This is the time when I get to have my own fun.  You will either find me reading ( mostly books on photography ) or you will find me sitting in front of this beautiful screen editing away, and if I'm really honest 75% of the time you will find me passed out on my sofa. I love falling asleep on my sofa.  I don't know why but I rather just sleep on the sofa before I go down for bed.  I know I should just go straight to bed, but then I feel lame going to bed by 9:00, so I try to make myself feel less lame by trying to fool myself into thinking I will stay awake for some tv.  I think it secretly drives David crazy.  I love company and I love spending time with my kids and hubby, but it feels so good sometimes to just get to sit back and see what I want to do. Yay to alone time!! Tonight I decided I wanted to edit some pics I took today.  I guess even in my alone time my kids and family are still ever so present.

Just Having Fun!

 I can't believe how big she is getting.  This same day David took the boys out to the grocery store, and Ariana and I got to spend some alone time.  We had so much fun.  We just got into some comfy clothes wrapped ourselves up in a blanket and she read to me her two new books she got from the library.  We laughed so hard.  I don't know if we had a case of the giggles but we thought her book titled, "First Dog" was hilarious.  We are still quoting it to each other.  My kids love there alone time with us.  Whenever they get it you can tell they just feel so much more lovey.  Its great.  The picture above is just a shot I took of her before we got to spend some alone time together.  Sometimes I feel like I am starring straight into the sun with her. She is so beautiful that I can't look away. 

Take that IPHONE!

I must admit, I am a person who suffers from iphone envy.  For no other reason other than its camera, and this knew app that I want so bad to edit pictures on it!! I know, I know my hubby asks me all the time why I want one just for the camera if I have a camera?  Sometimes its just hard to lug around my heavy (oh so wonderful) camera.  Don't laugh at me I try not to insult it too much, for fear that it may resent me and start breaking down on me, or start to take bad pictures. (Because, that couldn't just be the fault of the person behind the camera.) Anyways everyone has been posting fun panoramic shots, and I just thought to myself I could do that.  So, I did!

I had to be really steady while taking multiple shots in order to make sure that I could merge them evenly (something that these almost 30 year hands are still able to do) But, thank goodness for tripods, I am going to bring it out next time.  So with a little bit of time and love voila! I got a panoramic shot.  Take that iphone! Yes, you could do it so much faster, but could you have produced a no noise image during blue hour?  I do have one regret, and that is that I didn't get out sooner.  My baby was going crazy today, so I missed the sun setting by a few minutes.  Oh, well I'll just have to try and take a shot of this beautiful view again from my backyard another day..... maybe with the iphone one day, well more like in a couple of years when we can afford your phone plans. Until then iphone I await your new camera advances.  Maybe next time you will have some sort of tilt shift lens, but be warned I will be ready.

Grain

Ariana and Viggo where at the neighbors and we just hung out in the living room with Micah.  I just sat myself down and shot away.  I've been practicing how to incorporate grain into some of my pictures, and allowing myself to break some rules. I think I am finally getting more comfortable with the idea that not everyone will find what I do to be wonderful or perfect, or ideal.  But that is what art is.  It lies in the eye of the beholder.  I feel myself getting more comfortable and at ease.  For, a long time I was so worried about trying to be original and add something new to the table, that I found that I was doing just the opposite of what I wanted to do.  Now, I'm not so worried about finding my own voice. Or, producing the sharpest, most clear picture.  Now I just shoot and enjoy the moment.  I may not be the best, and I may never find one of my pictures published in a blog, magazine, newspaper or even be pinterest worthy.  But that is not why I do this.  I do it because it has allowed me to see the world through new eyes.  And I find that I am learning so much about myself.  

I turn 30 in exactly 11 days.  Yes the big 3-0.  I have been making a big deal about it at home well because I love getting attention from my hubby and it feels like this is a huge bench mark.  I guess I felt that by the time I was 30 I should feel like this mature, wise adult, who's life feels like it's all together. Instead I am a mom with three kids (insanely cute by the way) and a husband who works and goes and is trying to continue going to school ( he also rather dapper looking if I may say so myself), who is constantly trying to be a great mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, photographer, cook, and every day I feel like I come up short.  Instead I find that I am project that is constantly evolving. I use to think that happiness would come from finding some sort of perfection in this life.  But I am starting to enjoy and find beauty in my imperfections.  How boring would life be if we were all naturally perfect.  There is beauty in the journey.  There is beauty in seeing a project unfold itself into something.  Everything in life has a journey to take. Nothing arrives at some perfect state without work.  Instead I feel like my acknowledgement of my imperfections and lackings are allowing myself to be more easily molded into something beautiful by my heavenly father.  I am not sure what the end result will look like but I know it will be nothing short of amazing.  So, as I turn 30 soon I will better try to enjoy the journey.  And like these pictures with there small imperfections there is still a beauty and light that shines through them.  I believe that is like life.  We will accumulate grain in our lives, but instead of it ruining our picture of life, it will only help to enhance it.  There will be a beauty and light that will still shine forth.

* Side note, my Viggo is going into primary today! He will be a sunbeam. So excited.....hope the transition goes smoothly.

15 Extra Minutes

This is what happens now when Micah wakes up from his second nap.  Ariana will hear Micah cry, and she will ask if she can get him?  I say yes, knowing there is no way she can get him out from his crib.  Then I hear laughter, and giggling for 15 minutes after he initially was crying.  I walk in and find them all in his crib playing with him.  I love nap times, but I am especially liking the extra 15 minutes I have been getting after he wakes up, thanks to my older mischievous little ones.

Ella and Maci

My nieces came up yesterday, and they left today.  I miss them already.  I love cousin time.  They all get along so well, they just disappear and play.  This time they came up they did a lot of outdoor play.  Maci is super spunky.  Even when she would ride her bike she did it with attitude.  So cute! And then there is dear Ella.  People in her ward, or area this little girl is going to be an awesome baby sitter one day.  I call her mom the baby whisper.  Babies love her, and they just respond to her.  Like they are speaking a language all of their own.  This little girl will be the future baby whisperer.  She is sooooo good with kids.  Her siblings are so lucky to have her.  She is going to have a new little brother here soon. Point is I wanted to brag about how lucky I am to be their Tia Issa. And how I have the most talented sweet nieces and nephews. ( I know every Aunt or Uncle thinks this)  I wish I got to see them more.  Maybe one day we could all live in the same area.  It may be possible..... I'll letcha know in a couple of weeks ;0)

 (Pictures from Thanksgiving weekend)